Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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