Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
