matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
