Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
