my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
