Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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