I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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