I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
