This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
