So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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