it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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