Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
