i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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