come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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