They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
