I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
