Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
