he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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