your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
