don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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