I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
