The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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