Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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