he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
