Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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