Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
