i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
