So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The best revenge is premature balding
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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