can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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