His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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