why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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