exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
