What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
