I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
