I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
