fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
