I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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