I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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