Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
