had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
