I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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