i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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