I met the friendliest cop last night
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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