She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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