Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
