I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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