Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
