I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
zippers are such a cool invention
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
