im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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