I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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