I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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