I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
