STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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