my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
