i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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