I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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