can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
