if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You have to summon your inner elephant
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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